Student Salivates “S” Key

Eli Stillman, Editor in Chief

A story is developing while a male suspect roams at large in the Southern Oregon community after reportedly picking up a removed key from one of the school keyboards in Hannon Library and chewing on it Tuesday evening.

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Photo of suspect taken before his escape

Around nine o’clock P.M. SOU student Jen Augino began to place her belongings down at the computer prior to the masticator entering the scene, but noticed that the “S” key had been removed and was laying next to the electronic board.

“I had a lot of typing to do, so I decided to work on a different one.”

Whether or not the suspect was drawn to the station particularly because of the tantalizing plastic snack remains a mystery.  A student working nearby, who wishes to remain anonymous, noticed her neighbor chomping obnoxiously on the key and reportedly asked the suspect if he was planning on eating the key entirely, to which the he answered, “I might. . .  I might eat all of them.”

Once satisfied with his gnawing endeavor, he allegedly replaced the key on the desk and exited the library calmly.  The anonymous patron then alerted the librarians who contacted campus public safety immediately.  Authorities arrived on the scene approximately thirty minutes after they were called and took pictures of the desecrated work space.  Though they left briefly to handle other business, the officers were back within another hour to record testaments.

Upon their return they and the library staff refused to comment on the crime because the investigation was still ongoing, but when asked why a DNA test wasn’t run on the key they responded, “We didn’t see it necessary.”

After close examination, the teeth markings appeared to not have damaged the key beyond function, as it was promptly wiped down and returned to its original position on the board.

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Southern Oregon University has been considered a safe campus, with low reported numbers of violent crimes, but cases of vandalism on school property need to be taken seriously as well.

Please report any information on the case directly to campus public safety.

UPDATE:

Suspect was identified at the finals pancake feed in the Hawk and was approached.  After admitting to the charges, he sincerely apologized and the case was dropped.

Finals week can be a crazy time on campus but the library would like to remind students of a few rules which have not changed.

-Keys are not to be removed from keyboards and/or placed in mouths.

-Smoking is still not allowed in bathrooms, as it is hazardous to health and will set off fire alarms.

-Knifes over three inches are not allowed in Hannon Library even when worn openly on belts.

Good luck with the rest of your finals!

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