Pass the Cushman: 5 Ways to Survive Deer

By Connor Cushman, Satirist

What follows is a column by student writer/satirist Connor Cushman. The views do not represent the editorial opinions or content of The Siskiyou or Southern Oregon University. We present it to you as humor and satire.

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If you’ve been in Ashland for more than ten minutes you know there’s a scourge of deer infesting this town, So I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a list in an effort to help the students of SOU and the community of Ashland stay safe from deer this winter.

1) Arm Yourself
Although the liberals of this great nation are trying to strip you of your constitutional right to carry a rocket launcher you would be wise to keep one handy. Deer will invade your property and attempt to rob you of your grass, or any fruits and nuts you’ve left laying around your yard.

2) Lock Your Doors
Lacking opposable thumbs does severely hamper a deer’s ability to enter your home, never the less a locked door can be the difference between life and life with a deer in your house this winter. If I were you and I didn’t have flood lights and an alarm system installed on my house, I would be leaving work and investing in those items.

3) Drive Fast
If a deer sees you driving slowly enough it will wander into the street with intentions of stopping your car and thieving your valuables. A brave and resilient animal, striking the deer will only ruin the hood of your car, and force an awkward conversation with your parents about “How I need to be more alert while I’m driving” No Mom I wasn’t “checking Twitter” that deer came out of nowhere.

4) Don’t Approach Them
Disney and the Government have tried to commercialize deer as “cute” and “cuddly” with such works as “Bambi” and “Bambi II” but don’t fool yourself, deer are a vicious beast and should be treated as such. Approaching can lead to deer acting unpredictably, some things to look out for would be…

1. Scurrying

2. Prancing

3. Blank Staring/Chewing

Remember these aren’t Santa’s Reindeer, they’re Ashland’s diabolical deer.

5) Travel in Groups
One surefire way of evading an encounter with a pack of deer is to outnumber them. This is why I recommend walking to class in groups of five. If you find yourself alone there’s no shame in approaching a stranger and repeating this phrase, “I think there’s a pack of deer following me, I need you to walk with me.” Any decent human will realize the grave danger you’re in and help.

Deer refer to the month between November and February as “Human Season.” But with these simple guidelines I can assure you and your loved ones will be safe this winter.

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