Pass the Cushman: No Phone. Who Dis?

Connor Cushman, Columnist

image1 (3)For the record, I weigh anywhere from 128lbs to 135lbs depending on the time of day or if Ive recently been soaked in maple syrup. As a result, I’m not really a go-to-the-gym guy, I’m more of a why-do-they-make-doors-so-heavy guy. But setting my inhibitions aside I decided to head down to the school fitness center, drink a dangerous amount of pre-workout, rep out a few curls, and get swollen. More to the point, somewhere between finding the best lighting to do curls under and showing those 15lb dumbbells who was boss, a patron of the gym figured that they needed my phone more than I did (the recession has hurt different people in different ways). Incidentally, over the past week or so Ive gotten pretty good at not having a phone, so I thought Id give you the rundown on how to operate if you find yourself phone-less.

1)Facebook is your best and only friend

Contrary to popular belief, Facebook does have other uses than helping you decide which of your friends you hate, namely Messenger. Although, you havent used this feature since hitting on girls your freshman year of high school, it still proves useful for talking to people you arent physically with. Just keep your computer on you at all times, that looks normal enough on a college campusright?

2)Trust

Now, historically I live by the G-Code which clearly states that you dont trust anybody but family, but desperate times call for desperate measures and not having a phone means you have to take everyone up on their word. For example, planning to meet someone for coffee? You better have the details right or else you’ll be getting coffee alone and whomever you were meeting is probably pissed. In essence you cant double check anything so just try to remember everything, okay?

3)You’re not going to know a lot of things

Have you ever taken a nap and woke up with 30 missed calls from your mom? Imagine that feeling all day, everyday. To be honest, it’s a rush, I didn’t tell my anybody my phone was stolen until three days after just because not knowing if someone was trying to contact me was a lot more fun than knowing no one ever tries to contact me. It’s the Schroedinger’s cat of notifications. You don’t get to see if your ex-girlfriend favorited the last tweet you sent out because you can’t check your phone, and as long as you don’t have you phone she might as well have retweeted it. Take that Nicole Campbell.

4)Enjoy the ride

As soon as you get another phone its back to the grind. You have to contribute dank memes to society and call your parents. Not having a phone is a golden ticket to ignoring the perceived responsibilities you have to your friends. Sure, you may not get to snapchat your BFF or check Instagram when youre bored in class, but maybe you appreciate the technological silence. I missed out on the whole Damn Danielthing last week, which from what I hear has been a real blessing.

In essence if you lose your phone or someone steals it from you, it’s not that bad. On another note, if you have any information on the whereabouts of a chipped Samsung Galaxy S6 last seen in the SOU weight room shoot me an email so I can publicly RKO this criminal.

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