Ocular Combustion Rates Rise

by Emily Johnson, Columnist

What follows is a column by student writer Emily Johnson. The views do not represent the editorial opinions or content of the Siskiyou or Southern Oregon University. We present it to you as humor and satire.

ASHLAND—A woman in Milton, Pennsylvania was hospitalized late Friday night due to what doctors have dubbed “Ocular Combustion.” The victim, Michelle DuBois, was reportedly applying mascara when she began to feel “a sneeze coming on.”

Fearing the common cosmetic disaster known globally as “racoon eyes,” DuBois kept her eyes open while sneezing, a mistake that would lead to immediate loss of eyesight and eyes. When asked for comment, DuBois’ doctor said, “It’s not as rare as one may think. Women everywhere have suffered ocular combustion for fear of having to reapply not only their mascara, but their smokey eye.”

Not one to suffer defeat, DuBois has received offers from cosmetic companies to speak out against ocular combustion. Her tagline? “Set your sights on safety and sneeze freely! Remember, I’ve got my eye on you.”

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