Pass the Cushman: Comeback Week

Connor Cushman, Columnist

 

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It’s come to the time of the term where SOU students are looking at their grades the way one might look at old MySpace conversations, or possibly a burning building. Although switching your major to “Instagram Model” may seem appealing right now, there’s still time to do what college students do best, get away with the bare minimum. So strap on your study pants and dust off your textbooks because it’s comeback week. Might as well call me DJ Khaled, because “Pass the Cushman” has got the keys you need to turn those F’s into D’s.

Don’t Sleep

Chances are you’ve been banking up sleep since the start of winter break. Skipping your 8 o’clock class because you were hungover and occasionally skipping your 10:30 class because you were still hungover.  Well the days of sleeping in are over because comeback week dictates a maximum of 6 hours of sleep and a minimum of three cups of coffee a day. As a college graduate once said “I’ll sleep when I’m dead, or at least when this USEM paper is done”.

Coffee

As I mentioned earlier drinking coffee is a major key to success in comeback week. I take my coffee with cream, sugar and a hundred dollar bill to snort it through, and I’m currently passing most of my classes. In a town like Ashland motivation only cost $1.75 and there are three places on campus to buy it, so dive into your already slim bank account and start pumping money into The Human Bean.

Talk to Your Teachers

I’m gonna guess you have a mountain of late work, things that were assigned to you when you still had hope and aspirations for your GPA. Well herein lies the most harrowing part of comeback week, you need to talk to your teachers. Talk to them of your former self: a wretched, selfish student, then see if you can get half credit on that paper from week two (this works sometimes).  

Library/Tutoring Center

Once you’ve cleared up your late work debacle the focus should be shifted to finals, a good grade on your final can salvage a terms worth of slacking. So get yourself to a place where you can concentrate, and get help if you need it. The tutoring center won’t do your stats homework for you but so help me if everyone in the math lab isn’t Will Hunting.

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