hep?cat. n. Slang.
1) A stylish or fashionable person in the sphere of jazz.
2) A person who is hep; hipster.
I went on a little trip to Portland last weekend, and like all genuinely superior, aggressively individualistic Oregonians do from time to time, I found myself wandering into the Tin Shed around 11:45 a.m. for some genuinely superior, aggressively individualistic scrambled eggs. Two hours, three cups of bad coffee, and one rain soaked cigarette later, I was still waiting to be seated.
There I sat, posted up on an shabby-chic, hand-painted church pew, uncomfortably squeezed between a self-proclaimed (and re-self-proclaimed) Buddhist, and an aspiring steno-novelist who, although it was around 33 degrees in the shed, had managed to style his stocking cap so that it didn’t protect his ears from the elements so much as it served as an accessory to his iconoclastically vinegar-washed hair.
As I waited impatiently for the genderless host or hostess to call my name, I couldn’t help but to eavesdrop on the conversations taking place between the masturbatorily au fait scene habitués: the kool kids of P-town. “Blah blah blah, the latest McSweeny’s quarterly.” Hair flip. “The new Ariel Pink is only worth listening to on vinyl.” Glance at pocket watch. “Thailand is the new Costa Rica; Costa Rica is so seven years ago.” The longer I listened, the more I found myself forming a lock, stock, and barrel opinion of the crowd. So. Dumb.
The tin shed might very well be the most obnoxious establishment in the city of Portland (or the entire west coast/country/universe), but it is hands-down the best place (only place) to treat your dog to breakfast on the town (because Fido needs nine-dollar scrambles, too). Which brings us to the topic of the week: The best tracks to listen to while you’re carrying out the daily activities of uber-dumb-hipsterdom.
HepRespect Playlist of the Week
The best track to listen to while you and your fallaciously apathetic friends are debating the existence of an objective reality at four in the morning:
1. Naked and Famous: “Frayed”
The best track that you would be having sex to if you weren’t so trashed:
2. Lovage: “To Catch A Thief”
The best track to listen to while reading Foucault in public:
3. Eric Burdon and the Animals: “When I was Young”
The best track to listen to while discussing the philosophy of Slavoj Žižek in public:
4. Liars: “Freak Out”
The best song to listen to while diy-ing or cutting your own bangs:
5. The Rapture: “Miss You”
The best background music/conversation piece for your next vegan potluck:
6. Cab Calloway: “The Hi Dee Ho Man That’s I”
The best track to listen to while you complain about the institution of education/ your 2.0 GPA/ the under-qualification of your cultural anthropology professor:
7. The Glass: “Green Leaves”
The best track to listen to on portable speakers while riding around your fixie:
8. ASAP Rocky: “Purple Swag”
The best track to listen to while you are rehearsing the monologue for your lower-division theatre class:
9. Dead Meadow: “Let’s Jump In”