Pass the Cushman: New Terms Resolutions

What follows is a column by student writer/satirist Connor Cushman. The views do not represent the editorial opinions or content of the Siskiyou or Southern Oregon University. We present it to you as humor and satire.

img_9686-1School Starting up is the worst thing in your life right now, I’m gonna make that statement for everyone. Freshman haven’t realized that because they haven’t paid their SOUeBill yet but once it hits them that they’re paying 600 bucks for a term of USEM they’ll start to get that good ol’ cynical school-sucks sentiment. But just as the grease fire burns down an Arby’s so does it leave a vacant property for someone to build a Taco Bell, what I’m getting at is let’s turn this Arby’s grease re of a Fall term into something beautiful, and let’s start by making some resolutions.

1. Don’t make small talk over Net- ix shows. Here’s the deal the only thing I watch on Netflix is Chopped, so if you’re trying to make chit chat with me about Stranger Things I’m going to start talking about peanut reduction sauces so we can both be confused and then not be friends. Don’t tell people how good a show is either, it’s 2016, we’re in the future, everything is good, you know what else is good? I have clean food and water in my apartment, but I’m not gonna invite you over to watch me run the faucet for eight hours. So don’t talk to me about watching some Narcos with you because I nor anyone else wants to.

2. Don’t manage your money. This one sounds bad, and believe me, my parents read these articles so I will have to field a phone call about this. Nevertheless, you’re in college. If you skate through the next four years without eating a microwave hotdog off of a Wonder Bread bun, you did it wrong. Buy something extravagant and artsy that you can regret, treat yourself to something that will ruin your budget. If our politicians can’t get this economy going it’s on us.

3. Don’t take your grades so seriously. You can retake classes, but you can’t retake parties. Trust me, the American education system failed you years ago. The good news is you’re young so take full advantage of the archaic public school system and chill out on the 4.0 business. In 15 years robots are going to occupy every feasible job in America anyways, so unless you’re founding and enrolling in SOU’s robotics program, make sure you’re enjoying your time at SOU, not just the classroom.

4. Drink Good Coffee. We’re in Ashland, you can’t walk ten steps without running into a coffee shop, you probably couldn’t walk five without seeing a Nobel Coffee sticker. Ashland is a testament to how many indie coffee shops you can stuff into a four mile radius. It’s honestly baffling that they’re all still in business. Go explore them. If I catch anyone short of the president drinking Foldgers on the first day they’re getting slapped.

Essentially, just act your age this year. The world is gonna trick you into thinking you need to be things like “responsible” and “respectable” but if you’re anything like me you’ll get there when you’re 30 so enjoy the moment.